Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The worlds first ITAR controlled ice chest

Yeah,,,you read that right.

So a few weeks back i had an epiphany (No i wasnt taking a shit)...what options does the modern warfighter/contractor/...dove hunter in shall we say "Restricted" areas have for smuggling tasty beverages into non-permissive environments? The answer you may ask is NONE as cool as the item you are about to read about.

Due to modern warfare/protection details being run by puritans who have outlawed sex and drinking in theater...the crafty fella that wants to unwind after a day of curbstomping the shit out of bad guys souls has to be a sneaky bastard in order to get around General Order numero uno.

...and thus, the 4:1 Consulting Modular MK1 stealth chest was born.

This hand crafted piece of low profile finery is now available for purchase in CONUS/and can be shipped to APO's to get around those pesky health and comfort inspections (A hide in plain sight version with a reflective belt is in the works for troops so dont shit yourselves if you need one for your hooch).

Like most pieces of equipment i use/am designing they have multiple uses...and this bad motherfucker is no different.

NOT ONLY does it keep your tasty beverages cold but, it has several other built in/reconfigurable features necessary for the modern combative closet drinker.

1.) Its totally covered in KRYTANIUM! (TM)/Patent Pending... a durable sprayed on finish in use for years with cool dudes to provide a custom camoflauge solution for items with as issued target indicator colors. We sell only the "Guaranteed to cause cancer" by the state of Kalifornia marked versions of KRYTANIUM! (TM)/Patent pending....The colors can be rapidly reconfigured for operations in any theater.

2.) Its covered in totally badass 3d leafy camo and netting with untreated ghillie burlap (We left it untreated so you can light the chest on fire and use it to destroy enemy light armored vehicles and or democrats if pursued). Sticking with the effective camo scheme (breaking up shine/outline/and contrast with the background) we used just enough glued on netting in order to allow the user to attach local veg to more effectively blend in with his environment.

3.) Velcro...its got fucking velcro. Usefull for sticking stuff to said chest. Note: We DO NOT suggest sticking any gay morale patches or unit identifiers onto said velcro...for obvious reasons...i mean how embarassing would it be to identify your unit on the invasion of Pakistan and Iran and offend those we are there to conquer by leaving a chest full of non Halal items?

We DO suggest sticking one of our soon to be released TQ holders to the velcro because it puts money in our pockets and provides you with a lifesaving tool in the event that you need to roll to a gunfight while hammered (Yes this has happened before...shit you not...Iraqi's suck at fighting so bad they got their asses kicked by a bunch of drunk American pipehitters..plus the Swedish babes on top of the med center were in very secure hands as well). You can also stick any other modular velcro items to said velcro...we use IR glint tape in ours so if we have to unass the AO while drinking we can find the stash later on once the situation has calmed down.

4.) Asymetric (Asymetric is the new "Tactical") Shock cord retention lanyard/Budweiser line/autoerotic asphyxiation trainer/Soon to be DEAD hooker restraint device (You can also use the chest for humping out dead midget hookers during cross border/cant landnav ops). ..Leave no trace... ;)

5.) Interior Signals devices, the inside of the 4:1 Consulting modular tactical stealth chest MK1 has 3 redundant means of signaling/IFF (Have to let the Air Force broads know where the parties at if you get my drift).
 a.) Fuckin IR strobe
 b.) Fuckin IR GLINT tape
 c.) Fuckin cool as shit survival bandanna in bright as fuck orange (VS-17 panels are soooo..OIF 1)

What this provides you is a way to let the boys/AF chicks equipped with NODS/NVG's know its time to pound brews and shoot machine guns on Peyote, IR GLINT tape for the same reason or for relocating the chest if placed in a cache/Letting the guys in the birds know not to smokecheck you with 30MM....and last but not least the baller ass survival bandanna secured in the tactical waterproofing bag. This last item is loaded with usefull navigation/survival knowledge and can be used as a field expedient roll of asswipe in an emergency beer shits situation.

The non target indicator colored riggers tape used to secure the signalling items inside the chest make a handy addition to your rape kit and when used in conjunction with the survival rag..turn that NO/NO/NO...into HMMM/HMMM/HMMM with a QUICKNESS.

Once done embracing the hate you can use the chest to cool MG barrels.
So there you have it folks...the Stealth Chest for the modern warfighter. Contact us to get yours today. We are already working on a SWAT version in black but the donuts keep getting wet, and a custom ballistic rated version.
Field testing is going well.
Being the blood crazed storm troopers we are...we wouldnt really know...but we hear the stealth chest also works well while dove hunting as the white lid was causing birds to flare...not that "Those guys" were drinking a few tasty beverages while hunting or anything...that shits unsafe and probably illegal but whatever.
Oh yeah...it also fucking levitates and shit
 Shit almost fuckin forgot the most important feature of all. Its lined with freshly slaughtered padded virgin unicorn vagina lips in a non berry ammendment compliant sweatshop (We have a bro who supplies us with fresh slave labor straight from the diamond mines in Africa so we can keep the end user cost down).



Monday, September 26, 2011

Apparently the fuckin zompocalypse is going to start in PA (switched on readers already know this as the original night of the living dead was filmed like 10 minutes from our training center).

So no shit, there I was….building the most tactical icechest anyone has ever seen (Standby for another blog post on its construction here soon) when a hurricane/tornado…whatever the hell it was decided to blow through here.

Naturally this decided to happen right in the middle of cooking dinner which being a batchelor meant heating up hotdogs in the microwave.

Rain blew in sideways, trees fell over and were murdered with chainsaws, the roof of our shoothouse at work blew off, Porta shitters went flying through the great grey yonder and of course the power went off.

Now if this had happened back at COP 4:1 in Montana this wouldn’t have even bothered me…but being in western PA currently melting machine gun barrels and crashing cars it was a minor pain in the ass. I have enough ammo/guns/med gear/water and food/fuel etc to ride out a pretty major event here but being single im a bit short on creature comforts…like lanterns and lights not powered by 123’s and attached to guns…

So…basically 30 seconds into this 45 minute ass kicker of a storm at the same time the road was flashflooding and I was dreading trees going sideways through my  truck I decided it was time to break into the zompocalypse stash and bust out my cool as shit Candle lantern.

This thing is ideal for situations such as this. While it doesn’t light up a whole house it puts out a very usable amount of light for its size. Works great for camping trips in tents (chopping up dead hookers) and the like as well.

Power/lights were only out for a little over an hour here but it made life a bit more bearable. One thing I realized I needed is to get a battery powered lantern for situations such as these and I will head to china-mart and the local sporting goods store tomorrow to pick one up.

Anyway, get yourself one of these little deals from Austere Provisions Company here

Kill Babies!