So a few weeks back i had an epiphany (No i wasnt taking a shit)...what options does the modern warfighter/contractor/...dove hunter in shall we say "Restricted" areas have for smuggling tasty beverages into non-permissive environments? The answer you may ask is NONE as cool as the item you are about to read about.
Due to modern warfare/protection details being run by puritans who have outlawed sex and drinking in theater...the crafty fella that wants to unwind after a day of curbstomping the shit out of bad guys souls has to be a sneaky bastard in order to get around General Order numero uno.
...and thus, the 4:1 Consulting Modular MK1 stealth chest was born.
This hand crafted piece of low profile finery is now available for purchase in CONUS/and can be shipped to APO's to get around those pesky health and comfort inspections (A hide in plain sight version with a reflective belt is in the works for troops so dont shit yourselves if you need one for your hooch).
Like most pieces of equipment i use/am designing they have multiple uses...and this bad motherfucker is no different.
NOT ONLY does it keep your tasty beverages cold but, it has several other built in/reconfigurable features necessary for the modern combative closet drinker.
1.) Its totally covered in KRYTANIUM! (TM)/Patent Pending... a durable sprayed on finish in use for years with cool dudes to provide a custom camoflauge solution for items with as issued target indicator colors. We sell only the "Guaranteed to cause cancer" by the state of Kalifornia marked versions of KRYTANIUM! (TM)/Patent pending....The colors can be rapidly reconfigured for operations in any theater.
2.) Its covered in totally badass 3d leafy camo and netting with untreated ghillie burlap (We left it untreated so you can light the chest on fire and use it to destroy enemy light armored vehicles and or democrats if pursued). Sticking with the effective camo scheme (breaking up shine/outline/and contrast with the background) we used just enough glued on netting in order to allow the user to attach local veg to more effectively blend in with his environment.
3.) Velcro...its got fucking velcro. Usefull for sticking stuff to said chest. Note: We DO NOT suggest sticking any gay morale patches or unit identifiers onto said velcro...for obvious reasons...i mean how embarassing would it be to identify your unit on the invasion of Pakistan and Iran and offend those we are there to conquer by leaving a chest full of non Halal items?
We DO suggest sticking one of our soon to be released TQ holders to the velcro because it puts money in our pockets and provides you with a lifesaving tool in the event that you need to roll to a gunfight while hammered (Yes this has happened before...shit you not...Iraqi's suck at fighting so bad they got their asses kicked by a bunch of drunk American pipehitters..plus the Swedish babes on top of the med center were in very secure hands as well). You can also stick any other modular velcro items to said velcro...we use IR glint tape in ours so if we have to unass the AO while drinking we can find the stash later on once the situation has calmed down.
4.) Asymetric (Asymetric is the new "Tactical") Shock cord retention lanyard/Budweiser line/autoerotic asphyxiation trainer/Soon to be DEAD hooker restraint device (You can also use the chest for humping out dead midget hookers during cross border/cant landnav ops). ..Leave no trace... ;)
5.) Interior Signals devices, the inside of the 4:1 Consulting modular tactical stealth chest MK1 has 3 redundant means of signaling/IFF (Have to let the Air Force broads know where the parties at if you get my drift).
a.) Fuckin IR strobe
b.) Fuckin IR GLINT tape
c.) Fuckin cool as shit survival bandanna in bright as fuck orange (VS-17 panels are soooo..OIF 1)
What this provides you is a way to let the boys/AF chicks equipped with NODS/NVG's know its time to pound brews and shoot machine guns on Peyote, IR GLINT tape for the same reason or for relocating the chest if placed in a cache/Letting the guys in the birds know not to smokecheck you with 30MM....and last but not least the baller ass survival bandanna secured in the tactical waterproofing bag. This last item is loaded with usefull navigation/survival knowledge and can be used as a field expedient roll of asswipe in an emergency beer shits situation.
The non target indicator colored riggers tape used to secure the signalling items inside the chest make a handy addition to your rape kit and when used in conjunction with the survival rag..turn that NO/NO/NO...into HMMM/HMMM/HMMM with a QUICKNESS.
Once done embracing the hate you can use the chest to cool MG barrels.
So there you have it folks...the Stealth Chest for the modern warfighter. Contact us to get yours today. We are already working on a SWAT version in black but the donuts keep getting wet, and a custom ballistic rated version.
Field testing is going well.
Being the blood crazed storm troopers we are...we wouldnt really know...but we hear the stealth chest also works well while dove hunting as the white lid was causing birds to flare...not that "Those guys" were drinking a few tasty beverages while hunting or anything...that shits unsafe and probably illegal but whatever.
Oh yeah...it also fucking levitates and shit
Shit almost fuckin forgot the most important feature of all. Its lined with freshly slaughtered padded virgin unicorn vagina lips in a non berry ammendment compliant sweatshop (We have a bro who supplies us with fresh slave labor straight from the diamond mines in Africa so we can keep the end user cost down).